“it's a wonderful life”

 

While this year certainly hasn’t unfolded the way I thought it would, I’ve learned that that’s the way life works. Sometimes, we are set on a path that we might not understand, but undoubtedly, there is a reason for it. Along the way, there will be bumps and rough patches. We may even ask ourselves – Why this route? What’s my purpose? All of which are natural thoughts and explorations. Throughout our journey, we should listen closely to life’s lessons, as they whisper quietly to us. Open yourself and let the great teachings forever change you.

Since the end of July (when I found my lump), life has taken me down a different road, one that I could have never predicted. Some may say that this is my ‘rock bottom.’ I, however, choose to look at it differently. After all, much of how you see life is all about perspective. The great thing is, you have the power to change your viewpoint. I see my cancer as a blessing. When you hear that, you might think I’m crazy. It’s a rational thought, as who would typically see cancer as a good thing, much less a blessing?

After I was diagnosed, I was forever changed…for the better. I started seeing life more clearly. All of the sudden I saw just how precious life is and how I took it for granted. I was awakened. From there, I opened myself and life’s lessons started flooding in. I’m sad that it took an illness for me to see this but I’m grateful it showed me the light. There is much that I have learned along the way, which I plan to share in posts to come. However, being that it’s Christmas, I felt it was especially important to take time to reflect on life’s blessings and give thanks.

I am extremely fortunate to be surrounded by so much love and support, especially during this time in my life. All the warm thoughts and prayers have kept me strong, hopeful and positive, as I fight my battle. The angels both in heaven and on earth continue to bless and look after me. I’ll never be able to put into words just how thankful I am but as I go forward in life, I hope to show my appreciation by giving back and enjoying every minute of what life has to offer.

This holiday season, I ask you to stop for a minute and look around. What do you see? A bird flying by? A loved one making hot chocolate? Food at your table? A roof over your head? Whatever it may be, enjoy the blessings that life has brought you and be grateful for them. Most of all be thankful for life, for it is wonderful!

Wishing all of you a very happy & healthy holiday season!

Kelly 

P.S. A tradition in my family is watching the movie, Love Actually, during the holiday season. It is not only one of my favorite movies but it is also a great reminder that “…love actually is all around.”

“eggspectations”

For a while, I would lie in bed at night wondering and worrying that my cancer was spreading by the minute. I wouldn’t sleep on my right side, not only because it was painful, but I also thought that it might make the tumor bigger. Unfortunately, this along with many other thoughts made it hard for me to fall asleep. When I finally drifted off, it was usually when most get up to start their day. I would awake not too long after that and ask myself the same question, “Do I really have cancer or was it just a bad nightmare?” Of course, the answer was always the same and every thing would repeat over again day after day… 

One morning, I woke up with a different worry. I sensed that my menstrual cycle was coming early, which meant I would soon start my egg freezing or “oocyte preservation” process. Knowing that I would need to coordinate getting my various fertility meds as soon as possible, I reached out to my fertility nurse to formulate a game plan. Fortunately, I was able to get my meds ordered and shipped overnight. Then, I scheduled my first fertility “monitoring” appointment for what I guessed would be the second day of my period. It was a good thing I listened to my senses, as it came the next day.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited or relieved to get my cycle. Believe it or not, I even shouted it around the house – “I got my period! I got my period!” Why all the fuss? Well, if you recall from one of my earlier posts, I would only be able to proceed with freezing my eggs if my period came on schedule, so as to not delay chemo any further. We were worried that because of all the stress the diagnosis brought with it, that either my period would be late or not come at all. It was most certainly a very big blessing when it came much earlier than it should have.

With its onset, now I was off to tackle my first “treatment battle:” fertility preservation, since chemo may compromise my fertility. What does freezing your eggs entail? Well, here is what my eggsperience was like…

When I arrived at my first morning “monitoring” appointment, I didn’t realize how crowded the fertility clinic would be. I was amazed to see so many women, some with their partners and some without, which filled the waiting room. Who knew this was such a happening place? In a way, it was comforting to know that so many women, men and couples use fertility treatments. When my name was called, I was taken back for part one of the monitoring appointments – blood work. This was primarily to evaluate my blood estrogen levels. After the blood work, I was sent back to the waiting room until they were ready to see me for part two – transvaginal ultrasound.

My name was called again and I was told to use the restroom if needed to empty my bladder. Then I was taken back to one of the many examination rooms. This time I was told to “get undressed from the waist down and wait on the examination table.” It was at least something different from what I had been hearing so often, “get undressed from the waist up….” I guess now I had to get used to this phrase and someone examining my other private area! So I did what I was told and sat bare-bottomed on the table with a disposable napkin over my lower-half, awkwardly waiting for what was next.

When the tech came in, she had me lie on the table, knees bent and feet on the stirrups…then she started the exam. A transvaginal ultrasound is used to look at a woman’s reproductive organs – uterus, ovaries and cervix. The probe sends out sound waves, which reflect off of the body’s structures and produce a picture on a monitor. For the most part the test is painless, although at times the pressure of the probe can cause some discomfort. I had my own monitor to follow along, which was not only interesting but helped to distract me.

The first thing she looked for was any cysts, fibroid tumors or growths. Luckily, she didn’t find any. Next she looked at both of my ovaries to see how they were responding under normal circumstances (without fertility meds). After the exam was over, I met with a nurse to review all the fertility meds I would be taking and how to prepare/give the various injections. I was told that later that afternoon, I would receive a call with the proper dosage instructions for my injections beginning that evening.

Even though I had a lesson from the nurse, I wanted to be certain that I prepared and gave the medicine appropriately, so, I went home and watched all the online instructional videos…multiple times. Opening the large box of fertility meds was slightly overwhelming – especially seeing the various sizes of syringes and needles. Later that evening, when it came time for my first injections, I had my dad take the lead. As a dentist, let it be known that he has the best novocaine shot technique there is, so I knew I would be in good hands! He prepared the dosage, while I held a small ice pack on my stomach just beside my belly button, to numb the area. I pinched my stomach, while he gave me the shot subcutaneously (just beneath the skin, not in the muscle). Not bad at all, though some of the meds stung a bit.

I was given various injections at the same time every morning and night for several days, though the dosage sometimes changed. For the most part, I also had “monitoring” appointments every day to evaluate my blood estrogen levels and my ovaries response to the fertility meds – checking to see how many eggs there were and how they were maturing. Normally, in a woman’s reproductive years, her body releases one egg from the ovary in the middle of each menstrual cycle. When stimulating the ovaries with fertility medications, usually multiple eggs can reach maturation during a single treatment cycle.

At one point during the process, I had to learn to prepare and give the injections myself. I’m proud to say I was able to do it! I have to admit, it was a good feeling to know I was capable of handling it myself. Another fear I was able to overcome. After a while, it even became old hat! I disposed of all the syringes and needles in what we commonly referred to as “The New Red Box” (thanks mom!) – in comparison to the movie-rental Red Box that we frequent as a family.

Photo Courtesy of Ryan Bugden

Along the way, my ovaries were responding well and quickly. It was nice to hear the doctors say that youth was on my side. After starting the meds, I did notice weight gain, abdominal discomfort, bloating and a heightened overall hormonal response. My ovaries felt like they were literally weighing me down! Around a week after starting the fertility meds, the doctor said my eggs were “ready.” This meant it was time for the “trigger shot” or as I like to call it the “ass shot.” This intramuscular shot in the butt works to trigger the developing eggs to complete maturation and eventually ovulation. It was extremely important that this drug be administered at the exact time the nurse told me, which was 12am, so we set multiple alarms to make sure we didn’t fall asleep! Again, I had my dad take the lead on this one. Nothing like having your butt hanging out for your dad. Luckily, I couldn’t feel a thing – thanks dad! So it wasn’t a pain in the ass after all! Ha-ha. I crack myself up with that one every time!

You have a “day off” of shots following the trigger – a nice little breather before the big day, the egg retrieval! With everything going on, one of the fertility nurses advised that I take something to help calm my nerves before the procedure. It happened to be the same medicine that was suggested before my MRI-Guided biopsy. After explaining that 1mg did nothing for me, she suggested I take 5mg. So, about 30 minutes prior to arriving for my appointment, I took the suggested dosage.

After signing myself in, I waited patiently with my mom by my side. Since I had my family film a lot of my injections (so I could show my future kids one day), I decided that I should film before the retrieval as well. I took the camera to film my mom and all of the sudden…I started seeing two of her. I can’t say I remember anything after that…until I woke up the next morning. So, I pretty much “blacked out” for an entire day. I think it’s safe to say 5mg works for me, however, not so sure that it was entirely the “safest” thing. I would have been fine with a much smaller dosage! While it’s probably a good thing that I was “out of it,” for the purposes of my nerves, I’m not so sure it was great that my mom pretty much had to carry me back to the pre-op room, get me undressed and into my surgical gown. Ha-ha, sorry mom! You are a saint for putting up with me!

The actual egg harvest procedure is about 30 minutes long and is performed under anesthesia in operating room conditions. While it is an outpatient procedure, it does require someone other than yourself to drive you home -- I most certainly needed this! I have to say there are some pretty entertaining pictures/video of me pre and post retrieval! There is only one thing I vaguely remember and that was the sound of the anesthesiologist’s rolling stool. Why I remember that is very odd. You would think if I remembered anything it would be them telling me how many eggs they retrieved!

When I woke up the next day, I was pleased to hear from my mom how many they got. Significantly more than they were hoping for. I was so thankful, especially because I only had one shot at this and I had high eggspectations for myself! Now, I just had to wait for a call from my fertility nurse to confirm how many of the retrieved eggs were mature. Fortunately, all were able to be frozen except for one!

The next day I felt okay, though, pretty groggy and I had some cramping/discomfort. Fast-forward to the second day after retrieval and it was a bit of a different story. At this point in time, I started noticing abdominal bloating/pain, nausea, weight gain and decreased urination. While, it was uncomfortable and I felt miserable, I didn’t think too much of it. The next day the symptoms worsened and by late evening, I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew something was wrong. I called the fertility emergency number and explained my symptoms, at which point she said I was experiencing ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). This is a problem that is seen in women who have taken fertility meds that stimulate egg production but only after the eggs are released from the ovary. If the ovaries are stimulated too much, they can become very swollen and fluid can leak into the belly and chest. This affects up to 1 in 10 women – of course, another rare statistic that I fell into! Though, my risk was elevated because I was under 35 and I had very high estrogen levels throughout the treatment cycle.

Since it was so late at night and the fertility clinic was closed, the nurse told me I had two options: go to the emergency room or come into the clinic first thing in the morning. I’m not a fan of the ER, so I sucked it up and opted for the latter. I was in so much discomfort, I cried myself to sleep that night. The morning couldn’t come soon enough and to be honest, I was worried it wouldn’t come at all.

I was relieved when I made it through the night. My parents took me early in the morning, so we would be there as soon as they opened. The car ride there wasn’t pleasant. The nausea was so intense it took a lot of concentration and cold air to keep me from throwing up in the bag on my lap. When we arrived, I was taken back for blood work and a transvaginal ultrasound. In addition to how I looked physically, my symptoms and exam confirmed I had OHSS and severe dehydration. On the ultrasound, they could see the fluid in my ovaries and belly.

I was then taken into pre-op for IV fluids and an emergency vaginal fluid aspiration. I was rehydrated with IV fluids for 8 hours and taken back for the procedure at the very end of the day, when the operating room was finally available. This was another relatively quick procedure under anesthesia. It was amazing to hear how much fluid they aspirated. While, I felt a bit better afterwards, the relief didn’t last for long. The next day, the symptoms were back in full force again but I tried to hold out to see if they would improve. Unfortunately, they did not and I wound up back at the fertility clinic after having just been there two days prior. I had more blood work and another transvaginal ultrasound. Again, I was taken to pre-op, for severe dehydration and a second fluid aspiration. Unfortunately, it was the same ordeal as before, I was rehydrated with IV fluids for 8 hours and aspirated after the very last appointment of the day. Would you believe that they aspirated even more fluid the second time?

The second aspiration happened to be the day before I was supposed to start chemo. For a bit there was a concern that my chemo may need to be delayed because of the OHSS. However, after checking with my oncologist, chemo couldn’t be delayed any further, so I would just have to suck it up. Luckily, the second aspiration did the trick and I felt much better. However, it had been a long couple of days and I was physically and mentally exhausted. Guess what I left the clinic with? A prescription for more injections that I needed to give myself because now they were worried about me developing blood clots. Awesome!

When I had OHSS, I’ll admit, I was thinking I wasn’t sure if it was all worth going through the process to freeze my eggs. However, I know it was just the pain speaking. I am very happy I went through with the treatment and feel very fortunate that I had the opportunity. Hopefully, my fertility will return on its own (after chemo) and this will all just be a good insurance policy! If not, at least I have piece of mind knowing that they are on ice, frozen at 27 years old, waiting for me! 

Isn’t that eggciting?
Kelly

P.S. A simple thank you to my loving parents will never be sufficient, for it is them who gave me life and have shown me endless support. Thank you for always being there and taking care of me. I truly hope that I can be half the parent and role model to my children one day, that each of you has been to me. I love you with all my heart.